About
What can be said about Scott that hasn’t already been said?
Scott was born in the 15th century and quickly began a life of crime. Raised on a pirate ship, he became skilled in the art of Insult Sword Fighting, Mizzen Masting, Monkey Barrelling, and Grog Sweeping. One fateful day while dueling a kraken with one hand and singlehandedly (obviously, since the other hand was busy cracking kraken craniums) causing all the pirate wenches to swoon, he was caught up in a dreadful (and freak) tornado.
Now Scott is a master of 15th century meteorology even though he was trained as a pirate, so he instantly knew that the tornado he was caught up in was no ordinary tornado. This could also have been due to the fact that the tornado was being driven by a man wearing bully aeronautical goggles. This man introduced himself as “Whoosh swish fwoom BAM,” at least… that’s what Scott heard usher from the Tornado Pilot’s mouth before being struck by what appeared to be, upon later inspection by historians, an airborne piece of an automated hat folding machine. The APoaAHFM (as it was later known) knocked Scott unconscious and threw him from the tornado. Luckily a passing band of gypsy sea turtles took pity on the poor pirate man and nursed him back to health on a nearby island.
Scott lived on this island for many a year, learning the gypsy sea turtle’s language which consisted almost entirely of words for sand, water, and (oddly enough) helicopters. One day whilst Scott was collecting sand and water for the ill-concieved gypsy sea turtle helicopter, he tripped over a root in the jungle and fell into a deep dark pit. Due to the rotation of the Earth, the rate at which he was descending, and the complete lack of any quantum physicists observing his descent, the quantum waveform remained blissfully ignorant of Scott’s impending time travel.
I will digress here momentarily, dear reader, to explain that time travel is not an easy procedure and does not come without its own set of drawbacks; the most extreme being, of course, you travel through time, and the least extreme being a slight tingling or chaffing sensation at the small of your back. All of these were experience by Scott as he fell through the time-hole and into the distant future.
Upon arrival in the future, Scott met a group of future-humans. Future-humans look almost exactly like humans do now, except all of their faces are permanently sideways (presumably in response to millennium of emoticons). The future-humans are an incredibly intelligent, however their historical knowledge is somewhat lacking. They instantly recognized Scott as a time traveling pirate and took it upon themselves to send him back to his right time. Unfortunately they though Scott came from 1984, instead of the early part of the 15th century.
Now, unlike the jungle hole form of time travel, the future-human’s form of time travel didn’t have the unpleasant side effect of forcing the user to actually travel through time.
Scott arrived in 1984 as a new born child… this was not to his advantage. For the next twenty years Scott attempted to unlearn the ways of the pirate and educate himself about worms and trees and the internet and ducks and bits of string and peanuts and Australia and certain types of fish (you know, the ones with the sideways eyes). None of that actually worked, so four years later he decided to dedicate his life to allow his brain to ooze through his keyboard onto the internet.
Note: Portions of this historical account are annecdotal and may contain factual errors; the author wishes to point out the fact that tornados don’t actually happen on the ocean.
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